Funny Waiter and Waitress Jokes
Waiter, there’s a flea in my soup!
I’ll tell him to hop it.
Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.
Waiter, my plate’s wet!
That’s not wet, sir – that’s the soup!
Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I’m afraid you’ll have to wait, sir. He’s just popped out for his dinner.
Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That’s right, sir. Two chips and a pea.
Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
So why aren’t you laughing?
Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 – a live one?
Waiter, there’s a bird in my soup.
That’s all right, madame. It’s bird’s nest soup.
Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they’re not very good swimmers.
Waitress, there’s a fly in my soup!
Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one.
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I’m not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.
Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That’s all right, sir, it’s not shrinkable.
Waiter, your thumb’s in my soup!
That’s all right, madame, it’s not hot.
Waiter, what’s this in my soup?
I’m not sure, sir, I can’t tell one bug from another.
Waitress, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir – we serve anyone.
Waiter, have you got asparagus?
We don’t serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!
Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
The head waiter says you eat like a horse.
Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it’s the hot water that kills them.
Waitress, this bun tastes of soap.
That’s right, sir – it’s a bathbun.
Waiter, there’s a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we have branches everywhere!
Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.
More Waiter and Waitress jokes
Waitress, I think I’d like a little game.
Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?
Waiter, is this all you’ve got to eat?
No, sir, I’ll be having a nice shepherd’s pie when I get home.
Waiter, I’ll have soup and fish.
I’d have the fish first if I were you, sir, it’s just on the turn.
Waitress, you’re not fit to serve a pig!
I’m doing my best, sir.
Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven’t any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?
Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you’re lucky.
Waitress, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea’s nice and weak.
Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It’s in the sausages, sir.
Waiter, there’s a hair in my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!
Waitress, that dog’s just run off with my roast lamb!
Yes, it’s very popular, sir.
Waiter, there’s a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I’ve been looking for that everywhere.
Waiter, there’s no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don’t get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?
Waitress, there’s a worm on my plate.
That’s your sausage, sir.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
That’s all right, sir, he won’t drink much.
Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do – call a lifeguard?
Waitress, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn’t know, sir. I’m a waiter, not a fortune-teller.
Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir – the coffee tastes like glue.
Waitress, there’s a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won’t do any good, sir – he’s frightened of them as well!
Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can’t you tell by the taste?
No, I can’t.
Then what does it matter?
Waitress, in future I’d like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!