Funny Jokes and Quotes

Johnny Tell Me a Joke

Tell me a joke and make i snappy!

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Tell me a joke kid


Smart Johnny

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”


Sunday School

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”


Foul dinner

One day Little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom what they were having for dinner.She said that it was a surprise and him and his brother would have to guess what it is after they try it.

Well dinner time came and they started eating it,but they couldn’t figure out what it was.So Little Johnny asked his mom for a hint.She said,”Okay,I’ll give you a hint.I call your father this.”Little Johnny said to his brother,”Quick Bobby, spit it out,its asshole!”



Black Eye

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” “But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!” “Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”

Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!” “But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”


Cream Mask

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream wi! th a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”



A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand


After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”


source: Eddie Got Funny Jokes



Little johnny was in class one day when the teacher asked the class to say something that had a moral to it. Little johnny was raising his hand but the teach called on little suzie, “little suzie, whats your story” said the teach, little suzie replied “well, I live on a chicken farm and everyday we collect the eggs but some of them never hatch” “okay, now whats the moral of the story ” asked the teach “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”.

The teach asks for another story with a moral and little bobby says “I live on a chicken farm too and one day I picked up all the eggs and was walking back to the barn when I tripped and fell. All of my eggs were broken and destroyed” the teach then askes “whats the moral of the story?” little bobby says “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” “good” says the teacher.

Now one more for today” says the teacher “me teacher, pick me” says johnny. The teacher was reluctant to call on johnny but he was the only one with his hand up. “okay johnny, whats your story” “well, my uncle vinny was in the war and he was the pilot of a helicopter when it went down in the battle field. he jumped out before the copter hit the ground and grabbed his machine gun, his machedi, and a six pack of beer.

As soon as he hit the ground he grabbed his machedi and killed 5 people, then he drank his six pack of beer and grabbed his machine gun and killed 125 more people.” the teacher asked “okay, and whats the moral of the story “don’t fuck with uncle vinnie when he’s been drinkin”



lil johnny’s teacher wants to teach her class about fruit so she puts some in her bag & goes to class. when the class settles down she pulls an apple out of her bag and calls on johnny. “what is this?” she ask. “a cherry,” he replies. “no, but i like ur imagination” next she pulls out an orange and calls on johnny again. “what is this?” she asks again. “a grapefruit” johnny answers. “no but i like ur imagination.” johnny raises his hand.

“yes” the teacher says. “can i ask u a question?” he says. she raises her eyebrows but says, “sure” johnny puts his hand in his pocket and then says “i’m holding something hard, round, & it’s got a head on it.” the teacher then jumps up and yells, “johnny go to the office!!!” he smiles & says, “no it’s a quater but i like ur imagination.”


Source: Mike Litoris



in class one day, the teacher asked the students to use the word definitley in a sentence. Little Sally says “Trees are definitley green”. The teacher explains that not all trees are green. Little Billy says ” the sky is definitley blue”.
The teacher again explains that the sky changes colors all the time.. Up next is Little Johnny and he asks the teacher whether farts have lumps in them. The teacher says “Don’t be silly Johnny, of couse not”. Johnny than says ” well than I definitley shit my pants”.




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