lawyer jokes and one liners
Everybody in my family follows the medical profession, said John. They’re all lawyers.
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.
Hows business? asked the first.
Rotten, replied the other. Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene
Who came first
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adams rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden.
I have you both beaten,the lawyer gloated. Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?
Dogs follow their owners
A group of professional men had finished a day’s hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners.
The musician’s dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer’s dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust.
The lawyer’s dog was screwing all the rest.
An unsure witness
A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, I think the light was yellow, or, I think it was still raining.
The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, We dont care what you think. What do you know?
The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since Im not a lawyer, I cant talk without thinking.
Objection your honor
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?
Objection, your honor, shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
So, the first lawyer continued, Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?
Nothing, said the witness. No one was home.