Funny Jokes and Quotes

5 Funny Divorce jokes

Funny Divorce jokes

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A couple of funny divorce jokes



A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, “I`m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, `Guess who?`””But why?” asks the man.”I`m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.


Bad communication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property.””I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?

“”I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband`s parents.”He said,

“Do you have a real grudge?””No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.

“”Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?””Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don`t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is `yes`.

“”Ma`am, does your husband ever beat you up?””Yes,” she responded, “most days he gets up earlier than I do.

“Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?””Oh, I don`t want a divorce,” she replied. “I never wanted a divorce. It`s husband. He says he can`t communicate with me.”


Lemon catcher

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.”Well, I think I do.” she replied. “I`ve been divorced three times.”


Barbie doll

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn`t know what`s available or price.

The clerk replies “we have Tennis Barbie and she`s $28”

Lady asks “well, anything else?”

“We have an equestrian Barbie, and she`s $28”.

Lady asks “anything else?” “Well, we have divorced Barbie and she`s $250

“The lady replies “I don`t understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?”

The clerk replied “Simple, she comes with Ken`s car, his house, and all his other stuff.”


Got everything

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver`s license.

“Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired.”No,” I replied.

“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”

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