MORE WAITER, WAITRESS JOKES
Waitress, I think I'd like a little game.
Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?
Waitress, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.
Waiter, I'll have soup and fish.
I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn.
Waitress, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.
Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven't any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?
Waitress, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.
Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.
Waitress, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It's in the sausages, sir.
Waiter, there's a hair in my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!
Waitress, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb!
Yes, it's very popular, sir.
Waiter, there's a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere.
Waitress, there's no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?
Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.
Waitress, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do - call a lifeguard?
Waitress, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.
Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir - the coffee tastes like glue.
Waitress, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!
Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't.
Then what does it matter?
Waitress, in future I'd like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!