BIOLOGY OF SNACK CAKES
Prepared by Eric Kollenberg
As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this planet (Earth) is
divided into three basic groups - plants, animals, and snack cakes. Although volumes of
boring material have been written about the former two subjects, there is a notable lack
of reference material covering the latter. So I made some up.
II. Evolution and Classification
Snack cakes developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if you look on the
shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can find samples nearly that old), when
the seas were full of Campbell's primordial soup. This prehistoric mixture of propylene
glycol, potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium citrate, primitive emulsifiers and
other "building blocks of snack cake" spawned the first one-celled crumbs.
Eventually, these crumbs began to colonize around central specialized cells called
endofill (known to the layperson as "creme filling"). The colonies developed
into types: spongospores and diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the former is
the common Twinkie ("Hostus* hostilus"), the latter is typified by the primitive
"Suzy Q" ("Hostus satanis"). In a bid for survival, some varieties,
such as the "Hostus hostum" (Ho-Ho) and the "Hostus zippum"
(Ding-Dong) evolved protective inedible outer shells, or exofrostings. There are many gaps
in the scheme, such as the common crumb cake, which some have suggested has an
extraterrestrial origin, and the mythical "Little Debbie." However, these topics
are outside the scope of this paper, which is another way of saying that I'm getting tired
What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for the behavior of these
species? What are the chemical reactions occurring within the cell tissue? Do I look like
a chemist? How the hell should I know?
The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world. Resembling a food item,
it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the grocery store shelf. Then it dives down the
throat of the unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The Suzy-Q now turns itself inside out like
a feeding starfish, and digests the victim with its potent creme filling.
"Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you don't think
I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you? Actually, I'd be glad to
(especially for money), but the breeding habits of snack cakes have never been observed.
This is something of a mystery, since more specimens are always being sighted under car
seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of vending machines. Speculation about
the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie have... Nah, that's too disgusting to even
1. Daniken, Erich von, "Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying Saucer Pyramid
2. Ibid, William, "Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography" 1947.
3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills and Eats
Her" 1 Mar 1986 "National Devourer".
4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer, Improves Sex Life, Lose
400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears" 1 Jan 1985 "Midnite Globule".
* Hostess is a registered trademark of the
Hostess Artificial Food Substitute Division of I.T.T., an exporter of international
corruption. It is used without permission, for which hordes of oily lawyers will probably
descend on me and cut out my lungs with a hacksaw. [This paper was originally submitted as
a Silly Science Fair (tm) project at an SF con in Chicago, along with another on
reproduction of coathangers. It included a cross-sectional diagram of a Twinkie, and
dissection photos (yuck!) of other species.