TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas and all
through the kitchen;
I'm cooking and baking and moaning and bitching.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings...who cares what I need?
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing,
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done,
My cookbook is spattered with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore,
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady,
Then he grins as he chuckles, "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
says "What's taking so long...aren't you through in here yet?"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife,
He loses an earlobe, but I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain,
screaming, "My God woman, you're going insane!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh drat, it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on broil instead of on bake.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays,
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live 'til next year,
you won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, and a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, well I'll just have it catered!