Martha Stewart's Calendar
||1 Catch up on gardening -- sew leaves back on trees. Do all cooking for the year.
||2 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
||3 align carpets to adjust for curvature of the Earth.
||4 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
||6 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen lavender sachets into heat pump.
|7 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
||8 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
||9 Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know.
||10 Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
||11 Organize spice racks by genus and species.
||12 Attend workshop on obsessive - compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
||13 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
|14 Replace air in mini van tires with Glad air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.
||15 MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
||16 Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.
||17 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
||18 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with "Martha's Green" trim.
||19 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with noble gases.
||20 Invent the Internet, notify Al Gore.
|21 Hire bugler to announce daily staff inspection and role call.
||22 Purchase antique stamp collection at Christie's auction. Use stamps to wallpaper powder room foyer.
||23 Send handwritten note to Bill Gates suggesting alternative color schemes for PCs. (Copy K-Mart.)
||24 Gild the lilies.
||25 Conjure a sow's ear into a silk purse.
||26 Find Fountain of Youth; discover Philosopher's Stone.
||27 Make petit-point hats for petit-fours.
|28 Rearrange the color wheel to reflect personal preferences. Eliminate harvest gold, avocado green.
||29 Buy Westport, CT. Burn it to the ground. Annex and rehabilitate Norwalk.
||30 Corner market on maple sap buckets. Mark up 1000%. Sell sap buckets to a bunch of saps.
||31 Make room reservations at Danbury Federal Prison. Pre-order breakfast selections.