Martha Stewart's Calendar
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| January 2012 |
| Monday |
Tuesday |
Wednesday |
Thursday |
Friday |
Saturday |
Sunday |
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1 Catch up on gardening -- sew leaves back on trees. Do all cooking for the year. |
2 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. |
3 align carpets to adjust for curvature of the Earth. |
4 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. |
5 Lay
Faberge egg. |
6 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen lavender sachets into heat pump. |
| 7 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. |
8 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews. |
9 Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know. |
10 Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy. |
11 Organize spice racks by genus and species. |
12 Attend workshop on obsessive - compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes. |
13 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're ready to be mailed the moment death occurs. |
| 14 Replace air in mini van tires with Glad air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall. |
15 MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is. |
16 Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself. |
17 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. |
18 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with "Martha's Green" trim. |
19 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with noble gases. |
20 Invent the Internet, notify Al Gore. |
| 21 Hire bugler to announce daily staff inspection and role call. |
22 Purchase antique stamp collection at Christie's auction. Use stamps to wallpaper powder room foyer. |
23 Send handwritten note to Bill Gates suggesting alternative color schemes for PCs. (Copy K-Mart.) |
24 Gild the lilies. |
25 Conjure a sow's ear into a silk purse. |
26 Find Fountain of Youth; discover Philosopher's Stone. |
27 Make petit-point hats for petit-fours. |
| 28 Rearrange the color wheel to reflect personal preferences. Eliminate harvest gold, avocado green. |
29 Buy Westport, CT. Burn it to the ground. Annex and rehabilitate Norwalk. |
30 Corner market on maple sap buckets. Mark up 1000%. Sell sap buckets to a bunch of saps. |
31 Make room reservations at Danbury Federal Prison. Pre-order breakfast selections. |
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PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD!