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Martha Stewart's Calendar

January 2012
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
1  Catch up on gardening -- sew leaves back on trees. Do all cooking for the year. 2  Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. 3  align carpets to adjust for curvature of the Earth. 4  Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. 5   Lay Faberge egg. 6  Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen lavender sachets into heat pump.
Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews. Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know. 10  Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy. 11  Organize spice racks by genus and species. 12  Attend workshop on obsessive - compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes. 13  Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
14  Replace air in mini van tires with Glad air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall. 15  MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is. 16  Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself. 17  Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. 18  Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with "Martha's Green" trim. 19  Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with noble gases. 20  Invent the Internet, notify Al Gore.
21  Hire bugler to announce daily staff inspection and role call. 22  Purchase  antique stamp collection at Christie's auction. Use  stamps to wallpaper powder room foyer. 23  Send handwritten note to Bill Gates suggesting alternative color schemes for PCs. (Copy K-Mart.) 24  Gild the lilies. 25  Conjure a sow's ear into a silk purse. 26  Find Fountain of Youth; discover Philosopher's Stone. 27  Make petit-point hats for petit-fours.
28  Rearrange the color wheel to reflect personal preferences. Eliminate harvest gold, avocado green. 29   Buy Westport, CT. Burn it to the ground. Annex and rehabilitate Norwalk. 30  Corner market on maple sap buckets. Mark up 1000%. Sell sap buckets to a bunch of saps. 31  Make room reservations at Danbury Federal Prison. Pre-order breakfast selections.

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