THE TODDLER MIRACLE DIET

Faintly flabby earthlings are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet, or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there slim hope?

Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two year olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.

After consultation with pediatricians, x-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise you may have to see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE:

Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of the egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Get some in your eyebrows too. It'll give you something to pick at for several hours of satisfying appetite control.

Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest down your leg).

Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.

Bedtime snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. Be sure to step on it and hear it go crunch!

DAY TWO

Breakfast - Pick up stale crunched toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Um, yummy!

Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube if desired.

Afternoon snack - Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Wander away without thought.

Dinner - a rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes, eat with a large strainer spoon, since taking your time is vital to your dieting success.

DAY THREE

Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Don't pull it out later though, it hurts. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff remainder of picked over pancakes into glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's suck from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Wander away without direction.

Lunch - Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Smear a design on table with remaining milk. It's good for your artistic expression.

Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine and coffee.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast - A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to the dog. Be sure to rub some in dog's fur just for fun.

Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Discard meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.